


simple steps are all we need

by aircherub



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex is a supportive boyfriend, Anxiety, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, the chalex quarantine fic no one asked for but my brain made me write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:33:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26160442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aircherub/pseuds/aircherub
Summary: Quarantine is isolating and Charlie doesn't know how to cope.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	simple steps are all we need

**Author's Note:**

> i got this idea when i was sleep deprived and high and my mind wouldn't shut up until i wrote it so almost 3k words later, here we are!!

Charlie had never felt touch-starved before. 

As a kid, his parents had always given him a healthy amount of physical touch. Holding his hand when they went on walks, his dad picking him up and swinging him around or his mom holding him up on her hip as she walked around the house, either on the phone with relatives or just doing small household tasks. His parents always hugged him when he did well on a test in school or whenever he tripped and hurt himself at the park they were always there to provide some sort of physical touch to soothe and calm him. Even after his mother passed away, his dad still provided that physical reassurance that always seemed to ground Charlie, tether him down when he felt too overwhelmed and afraid or too lonely. 

So, it makes complete sense that as Charlie grew up, he had picked up on the abundance of physical contact he received and had become a pretty tactile guy. Kids were generally pretty hands on in the way they interacted with things, always touching everything around them with that childlike curiosity and wonder, as if seeing the world for the first time, and Charlie had applied that same amount of touch into his relationships with other people. He would unconsciously seek out small and subtle touches with his friends. Bumping shoulders with them as they walked home from school or reaching out to grasp their arms when Charlie was speaking about something excitedly. The small, platonic touches that everyone was used to because it was _Charlie_ and everyone knew that Charlie and physical contact came hand in hand. 

In highschool, it was no surprise when Charlie joined the football team. He always had a fascination with the sport from a young age and it was probably no coincidence that it was also one of the most close contact sports he could possibly play. The rest of the team had grown used to Charlie’s constant touches. High school sports teams were usually pretty tight knit, sitting cramped together on a table at lunch, leaning over one another to playfully push and shove someone else, putting each other in brotherly headlocks and walking through hallways in packs. There was no need for Charlie to subconsciously seek out the physical touch because it was always there, an everyday default to his schedule that didn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. 

Then he started to pursue Alex and the touch had been rejected and he had been rejected and it hurt, it hurt a whole lot, but Charlie was patient and kind and he would never force himself or his touch on someone that didn’t want it. Charlie gave Alex the distance he asked for because he respected him and he would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, but it didn’t stop the sting of rejection from cutting at his skin and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t hug his pillow at night wishing it was the other boy. 

After the incident with the school riot and Charlie getting injured as a result, he eventually got his wish. They had a long conversation about their relationship and laid everything out on the table, Alex’s fears and insecurities and Charlie’s intentions and support, and they decided to give dating and being boyfriends a chance. In the privacy of their own rooms, Alex was open to almost any form of - innocent - physical contact but, in public, he was still tentative to show open displays of affection in front of people. Alex didn’t have the best relationship history and as a result it had almost completely destroyed his already tenuous view of his own worth, so his hesitance and tendency to push Charlie away made sense. Charlie didn’t force Alex to do anything he would be uncomfortable with, but he was often the one that initiated any hand holding in public and he made sure to pull away if he noticed Alex tense up and shy away from it. Which is why when Alex had started to freely accept these touches and even started to pull Charlie closer out of a need to seek comfort, it had made Charlie feel ecstatic.

Charlie hadn’t been aware of how much he relied on that contact to keep his anxiety at bay until it was completely ripped away from him.

The state-wide quarantine hadn’t been much of a surprise, the pandemic sending almost everyone into a blind panic that had only served to worsen things and the government had done nothing to help or show leadership through it. Charlie understood what the quarantine meant and how it could affect people so he made a conscious effort to check in with his friends, organise calls between the rest of the team to make sure they were all doing good and even his rag-tag group of friends had been able to get together for a couple calls despite most of them still being busy with college work and online lectures. Charlie knew it was easy for his friends to isolate themselves and he didn’t want to see that happening, especially during a time like this. Him and Alex facetimed or called almost every night, talking about anything and everything and sometimes they had long stretches of silence, the comfort of just hearing someone on the other line and feeling like they had some semblance of human contact with each other.

Charlie’s dad was always busy with work, trying to sort out what the quarantine and pandemic meant for the near future of the schools and how to navigate what will inevitably have to become a new normal of limited contact and space. They often had dinners together, throwing something together and eating at the table before his dad had to go back to work and finish something off. His dad didn’t ruffle his hair like he used to, he didn’t squeeze Charlie’s shoulder in passing anymore and Charlie knew he was probably being irrational, he knew it wasn’t on purpose and he knew he was almost an adult and he had been through _so much worse_ than just a few weeks of barely any human contact but it still _hurt_ and he felt so alone.

After a few weeks the group zoom calls dwindled down to a few texts shared every few days and Charlie started to feel the sickening flares of nerves and worry burning through him more and more every day. 

He’d felt strains of anxiety before. He felt the way his stomach tightened unpleasantly with apprehension and doubt before a test that he knew he hadn’t studied enough for. The rolling anticipation and adrenaline before, during and after a football game that had him feeling on top of the world before settling and crashing down to a pleasant and warm hum nestled deep in the back of his mind. He’d felt fear and hesitance and tremors of panic. Charlie had _felt_ anxiety before and he knew enough about anxiety disorders to understand that it wasn’t enough of a pattern within him to really qualify for it but the longer it went on the more he was sure something was wrong with him.

Charlie was restless, feeling like there was something charging him, winding him up but not letting him go and that made him frustrated, which only served to drive his irritation and restlessness, a vicious cycle that felt neverending. His fingers were constantly tapping on his desk, fiddling with the edge of his notebook or spinning his pen, and his knee had seemed to be perpetually shaking up and down which, when he became conscious of it, only served to heighten his nerves and push everything back to the forefront of his mind. When he attempted to watch TV he could barely focus on the storyline, new characters and conversations completely escaping his attention as he sat on the couch, hugging a pillow tightly to his chest and brushing his thumb over his wrist, tracing the visible vein with a feather light touch like Alex always did when they cuddled.

Usually, when he felt like this he would turn to baking. The calming motions and routine of a practiced art tethered him back down when he felt overwhelmed but he couldn’t even do that anymore. His concentration was non-existent and his brain was too scattered to remember the ingredients or to set the timer on the oven and after the fifth ruined batch of cookies he decided to give up and he hadn’t even thought about baking for weeks. He’d been sad about it for a while, not only was baking something that he was good at and that brought him comfort but it was one of the few things he had to really remember his limited time with his mom and now it was gone.

He fell asleep and woke up sporadically, his body not following any of his usual sleeping patterns and he either only managed to keep himself asleep for three hours or thirteen. There was no inbetween and usually Charlie _loved_ sleep but every time he woke up he felt a bone deep exhaustion as if the sleep was just draining even more energy from him instead of replenishing it. He felt the need to wrap himself in blankets despite the warm summer air that filtered through his open window at night because it felt like someone was there, holding him, and waking up slightly sweaty was worth it if it meant he didn’t have to fall asleep feeling completely alone.

Charlie knew it was the lack of real contact with other people that made him feel like this. He was always around people and he loved doing so. He missed the easy way his teammates wrapped their arm over his shoulder to playfully pull him around. He missed holding Alex’s hand and hugging his friends in greeting but he didn’t understand why it made him feel like this and he was scared. He didn’t want to tell anyone, it was just a little anxiety, a few frayed nerves that would go away soon enough. He didn’t need to worry his friends or boyfriend because everyone else was going through the exact same thing and they weren’t complaining about it, so what made him so special? Charlie didn’t want to tell anyone because he knew he knew the way he felt was irrational.

“Charlie, how long have you felt like this?” Alex’s soft voice trickled from the phone clutched tightly in Charlie’s hand after a few beats of silence. 

They had been talking about something irrelevant, going back and forth in easy conversation but to Charlie it had started to feel suffocating, the feeling of dread starting to seep back into his body and Alex almost immediately picked up on it, gently diverting the conversation and letting Charlie talk for what felt like hours about everything he had been keeping locked away tightly in his chest. Once he started it felt like he couldn’t stop, all his thoughts poured out, disconnected and jumbled but Alex understood.

“Since quarantine started, I guess.” Charlie mumbled, feeling selfish and guilty for having rambled about his problems to Alex for the entirety of their phone call. “I-I don’t know, it’s stu-.”

“Don’t.” His voice commanded, knowing exactly where Charlie’s sentence was going and having had enough experience to know that it was a slippery slope to go down. “It’s not stupid, the way that you feel is never stupid. Okay?” 

“Yeah, okay.” Charlie replied sheepishly, a small smile playing on his lips and for the first time in a while the pressure on his chest and the tightness in his muscles shifted slightly and he felt like he could breathe normally.

The day after that phone call Charlie woke up late in the afternoon to a message from Alex, telling him to check his front porch and, with mild confusion and curiosity, Charlie did exactly that. A box lay to the left of his door, his name scrawled on the cardboard in Alex’s neat handwriting but with no sign of the other boy around. Charlie took the box up to his room, tearing into it immediately and ignoring the contents to pick up the piece of paper that was definitely ripped out from one of Alex’s notebooks. 

_Charles,_

_I repaid the favor and looked up some of what you were saying last night, google says you’re probably touch starved which is very common and normal especially right now. _

_I can’t stay with you, I would if I could, but hopefully this makes you feel better._

_Love you._

Charlie read the note four times before putting it down and looking at what was left in the box. A neatly folded hoodie that Charlie knew Alex wore occasionally when he was at home and cold but too lazy to switch on the heater in his room. The large, black ‘Ramones’ hoodie that was oversized on Alex, the sleeves always falling way past his fingertips and the hem settling against the middle of Alex’s thighs. He picked up the hoodie, about to unfold it when he saw another sheet of paper sticking out from the folds of fabric. Picking it up he noticed it wasn’t ripped from a notebook or covered in Alex’s handwriting. It was a printed sheet, perfectly placed words in jet black ink that detailed a basic chocolate chip cookie recipe. Charlie frowned, he had pretty much memorised at least 3 different recipes for the classic baked good and he didn’t understand why Alex had given him another one.

Later that day it made sense. Alex facetimed him at 6pm, phone already propped up on his kitchen counter and a sheet of paper in his hand containing the same recipe that he had given Charlie. He was wearing a hoodie that Charlie had left at his house weeks before the mandated quarantine, a grin painted over his face as he ordered Charlie to put his own hoodie on and go to his kitchen. 

They spent the duration of the call reading through the recipe together, taking turns to read each step with Alex making sure Charlie’s mind didn’t stray too far from the task at hand and didn’t forget anything and Charlie making sure that Alex didn’t cut corners when it came to weighing out the ingredients and telling him sternly that _’no, putting the oven temperature higher does not make them cook faster.’_. After an hour and a half they both had a near perfect batch of cookies that they were showing off to each other, playfully arguing over who had done a better job. Charlie eventually surrendered, agreeing that Alex had done a better job since it had been the first time he had even baked something voluntarily and the victorious smile on Alex’s face was worth it.

A week later Charlie got another message telling him to check his porch, finding another box that contained a small note and a t-shirt this time. Yet another piece of paper tucked into the folds of the fabric detailing a brownie recipe with a scrawl of _’weed brownies?’_ at the bottom that had been hastily crossed out as if Alex had only remembered after writing it that his dad was a police officer but it made Charlie laugh. The t-shirt was a simple grey one and the note had once again been ripped from Alex’s notebook. 

_Charles,_

_I feel like I’m a housewife writing to her military husband._

_You know the drill._

_Love you._

_(p.s. I expect you to return the care package favor, I’ll run out of clothes if we keep this up)_

A few hours later Charlie and Alex were on facetime again, wearing each other's clothes and quietly eating the still warm brownies they had baked. They were talking about what they could bake next week and Charlie told Alex that he’d find a recipe for them, already having set aside a sweater to pack into a box and drop off on Alex’s front porch.

The anxiety Charlie felt was still there, boiling just under the surface and spilling over every now and then but he felt more in control of himself. Leaning to manage the way he felt as he slowly started to adapt to what he needed and how he could placate those needs in such an isolating time. Fear and panic weren’t a constant presence looming over him and he started feeling like he could breathe a little easier.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos + comments are appreciated!! hope you guys enjoyed <3


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